Batman XXX

ID: I know it's pandering, but this last year we've lost a lot of momentum, so I want to talk about your porn.

Batman: (sigh). It's sad that this is what it took for you to get your affairs in order.

ID: Heh. It's at least a little ironic that Superman actually filmed a porno movie, one you immediately bought up the rights to then shelved, and now, your alter ego at least, is starring in not one but now two pornographic adventures. I mean, over the years there have been knock-offs, probably the most notable having been “Dickman and Throbbin,” but this is actual, honest to god Batman porn. Why haven't you stopped this?

B: I don't think I could, honestly. If I tried for a defamation suit, or sued for libel or damages, the case would probably go along the same lines as when Jerry Falwell sued Larry Flynt- okay as parody on Free Speech grounds. Now, at first I talked to Lucious [Fox] about quietly buying up a majority stake in Vivid video, and we were about midway through that deal when we found out another company was making a similar film; the genie was out of the bottle at that point.

ID: But let's be clear, here, there's been Batman porn for years, it's just been relegated to internet drawings, and to the kinkier fetish and bondage sites.

B: That's right. But the reason the Vivid movie was a bigger threat is I spent most of my life crafting Batman to be something more than human, something difficult to comprehend. Watching Batman have sex is the opposite- a Batman who has sex is human, with weaknesses, who can be killed.

ID: But, and I don't think I'm really letting anything too sensitive out of the bag, but you've always been human, right? So's the current Batman. Of course, by only human what we really mean is that you were the peak of human physical conditioning and intelligence, like if Stephen Hawking were put into Bruce Lee's body by way of Brad Pitt's face- and even then, you're greater than even the sum of all those parts.

B: I'll assume you're not coming onto me

ID: Not a bit- my girlfriend would kill me- but you have to admit, objectively, you're a pretty spectacular specimen of the human condition.

B: I've er, boned up on Dale DaBone's work [the actor playing Bruce in Batman XXX], and while I might be impressive, I'm not that spectacular.

ID: Oh my god; I can't believe the first penis joke of the interview was not made by me.

B: Well, if nothing else, having multiple porn yous running around in tights will teach you to have a sense of humor about yourself.

ID: But if I can steer things for a moment back into serious territory: what do you think the tights community will think of this?

B: Honestly, I think this has been a long time coming. We're all public figures, at least according to parody laws, so this has been legal at least going back to the Falwell case. And particularly because of the reception Vivid has received pre-release, they decided to open a whole superhero imprint. So I'm just the first of many, it would seem.

ID: Axel Braun [the director] is no Sleez, but he does seem to have a passion for the subject matter.

B: And I'm not entirely certain it's a bad thing. With Batman, I think I had to compensate, maybe overcompensate, for the fact that I was human and was trying to exist in a world with true superhumans. But most of the members of the community, and most of the league, they're actually the opposite. In an earlier time, most of them would have been worshiped as gods, and while I do believe that no amount of appreciation for their work and their sacrificies could ever be enough, I do think that there's a peril there.

Take Clark, for example. He had for all intents and purposes his own cult. He deserved love, and respect, and honor, but worship? He didn't want that, and he did everything possible to dissuade his followers. But because outwardly he had this godlike appearance, and godlike abilities, it was impossible for people to get to know his humanity, to understand that inside Clark was the most human person I've ever met. And I've always thought that makes our heroes that much more heroic: they're people, with desires, fears, faults, and yet they still get up and do what they do to help people. Being human makes them better heroes, not worse.

So I think, while these films are likely to challenge some in the community, and I'm sure there will be more than one fist fight over dalliances real and implied, I think the end result might just be a world that better understands the people who are willing to lay down their lives in its defense. If the cost is making my butler blush every now and again- I think that's something I can live with.