Sunday, May 23, 2010

Batman XXX

ID: I know it's pandering, but this last year we've lost a lot of momentum, so I want to talk about your porn.

Batman: (sigh). It's sad that this is what it took for you to get your affairs in order.

ID: Heh. It's at least a little ironic that Superman actually filmed a porno movie, one you immediately bought up the rights to then shelved, and now, your alter ego at least, is starring in not one but now two pornographic adventures. I mean, over the years there have been knock-offs, probably the most notable having been “Dickman and Throbbin,” but this is actual, honest to god Batman porn. Why haven't you stopped this?

B: I don't think I could, honestly. If I tried for a defamation suit, or sued for libel or damages, the case would probably go along the same lines as when Jerry Falwell sued Larry Flynt- okay as parody on Free Speech grounds. Now, at first I talked to Lucious [Fox] about quietly buying up a majority stake in Vivid video, and we were about midway through that deal when we found out another company was making a similar film; the genie was out of the bottle at that point.

ID: But let's be clear, here, there's been Batman porn for years, it's just been relegated to internet drawings, and to the kinkier fetish and bondage sites.

B: That's right. But the reason the Vivid movie was a bigger threat is I spent most of my life crafting Batman to be something more than human, something difficult to comprehend. Watching Batman have sex is the opposite- a Batman who has sex is human, with weaknesses, who can be killed.

ID: But, and I don't think I'm really letting anything too sensitive out of the bag, but you've always been human, right? So's the current Batman. Of course, by only human what we really mean is that you were the peak of human physical conditioning and intelligence, like if Stephen Hawking were put into Bruce Lee's body by way of Brad Pitt's face- and even then, you're greater than even the sum of all those parts.

B: I'll assume you're not coming onto me

ID: Not a bit- my girlfriend would kill me- but you have to admit, objectively, you're a pretty spectacular specimen of the human condition.

B: I've er, boned up on Dale DaBone's work [the actor playing Bruce in Batman XXX], and while I might be impressive, I'm not that spectacular.

ID: Oh my god; I can't believe the first penis joke of the interview was not made by me.

B: Well, if nothing else, having multiple porn yous running around in tights will teach you to have a sense of humor about yourself.

ID: But if I can steer things for a moment back into serious territory: what do you think the tights community will think of this?

B: Honestly, I think this has been a long time coming. We're all public figures, at least according to parody laws, so this has been legal at least going back to the Falwell case. And particularly because of the reception Vivid has received pre-release, they decided to open a whole superhero imprint. So I'm just the first of many, it would seem.

ID: Axel Braun [the director] is no Sleez, but he does seem to have a passion for the subject matter.

B: And I'm not entirely certain it's a bad thing. With Batman, I think I had to compensate, maybe overcompensate, for the fact that I was human and was trying to exist in a world with true superhumans. But most of the members of the community, and most of the league, they're actually the opposite. In an earlier time, most of them would have been worshiped as gods, and while I do believe that no amount of appreciation for their work and their sacrificies could ever be enough, I do think that there's a peril there.

Take Clark, for example. He had for all intents and purposes his own cult. He deserved love, and respect, and honor, but worship? He didn't want that, and he did everything possible to dissuade his followers. But because outwardly he had this godlike appearance, and godlike abilities, it was impossible for people to get to know his humanity, to understand that inside Clark was the most human person I've ever met. And I've always thought that makes our heroes that much more heroic: they're people, with desires, fears, faults, and yet they still get up and do what they do to help people. Being human makes them better heroes, not worse.

So I think, while these films are likely to challenge some in the community, and I'm sure there will be more than one fist fight over dalliances real and implied, I think the end result might just be a world that better understands the people who are willing to lay down their lives in its defense. If the cost is making my butler blush every now and again- I think that's something I can live with.

Revelations

ID: I'm sitting down with the Batman, billionaire industrialist Bruce Wayne. He contacted me shortly after the passing of his friend and confidant, the late Superman, Clark Kent. To anyone live in a cave not inhabited by bats this last year, his identity was revealed by "accident" during an interview with Kent. Now, in quick succession, he has three revelations to share. Whenever you're ready, Bruce.

Batman: I'm quitting.

ID: You wear a lot of hats and cowls and such; care to elaborate.

B: Being Batman. I'm stepping down from it. My first Robin, who many of you will know better as Nightwing, will be stepping into the role.

ID: Now why is that? I understand why he'll be taking your place in the League, and even why he'll be assuming your place at the head of your impromptu bat “family,” but why not just leave it at that, let him still be Nightwing?

B: Vanity, I suppose. Because the Batman is my legacy, and I'd rather see it outlive me. But there's also other facets to that question. For example, why does Nightwing want to take the title and costume- because he does- and that's another reason why I want him to take over. And finally, because I think Batman matters. Not that Nightwing doesn't matter or hasn't, but I think Batman is symbolic, because there are people who Nightwing has been punching in the face his whole life who will still, for incomprehensible reasons, fear him more in a pointy-eared cowl.

ID: Okay, that's one. The second has to do with why you're quitting now.

B: I have AIDS. I've been living with the HIV virus for years, but recently the disease has progressed to the point of full blown AIDS. I'm still in physically good shape, but my immune system is compromised to the point where I would be a liability to my friends and colleagues if I did not relinquish my cowl.

ID: That's two down. The third revelation?

B: I believe I'm a homosexual. I've had long-term romantic relationships with women, and let me state unequivocally right now that each of those have been legitimate. The women I've dated I've cared for genuinely, and when I said I loved them, I meant it. Some might argue that that would make me bisexual, and, historically, I would agree, but I think, in light of all sorts of things, that I am and will continue into the foreseeable future to be a homosexual.

ID: And that brings us to our first official question of the interview: why are you here? You could have given a press conference, could have bought a giant laser and carved these three facts on the moon and signed it with a bat symbol, so why are you talking to me?

B: Mostly because I appreciated what you did for my friend. Despite your own inclinations, I think you dealt with him fairly, and tried to maintain his sense of dignity throughout. On the one hand, I think those qualities ought to be rewarded; on the other, I think I'd like to be similarly treated. But mostly, I think, it centers around one question: in a world without a Superman, who's going to notice that the original Batman's retired?

Really, this has been a long time coming. I've been sick for years, and been taking and trying all manner of treatments. But in that time I couldn't talk myself into giving up- I thought, and this was probably mostly vanity, that the world needed me. I think, in hindsight, I needed to be a part of the world far more.

Another factor is that the people who know me, my impromptu bat family as you called them, intervened. In a nutshell they told me that they've talked to doctors, and from this point on I'd be taking time off my life. I'm not exactly terminal, at the moment- people with AIDS can live relatively long, healthy, full lives, but if I continued to put the kinds of stresses being Batman does on my body, I'd be dead very soon- assuming that I wasn't done in prematurely by any number of the toxins several of my more colorful adversaries routinely make use of that my body is no longer equipped to fight. So basically we made a deal, whereby they would continue the work we've been doing so long as I retired.

ID: What was your other option?

B: I think they were going to taking turns kicking the hell out of me until I came to my senses.

ID: But do you think they could have? Aren't you the goddamned Batman?

B: I used to be.